Just 2am Thoughts....

So, for the past few months, my emotions have been all over the place. I never know from one minute to the next when I am going to have a full blown kidney throbbin', blood burnin', dizzy, out of breath, headache, then full on panic attack. They happen so frequently lately that I don't even like to leave my house. Well, i take that back, i don't even like to leave my camper. I did a few things today, gave the dogs baths, cleaned out my car, and changed the sheets on my bed, and washed my laundry.... and i feel like i ran a marathon. by 7:30pm, i was ready for my bed time meds and to go to sleep, so i did. now its 2am, and I'm wide awake. i woke up with a start around 11:30, and I've been awake ever since. I've tried relaxing, I've tried everything. i guess those 4 hours of sleep is all I'm allowed, since that my average amount of sleep i get in a day anyway. its so frustrating. i just want to feel better. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. my heart rate went up to 152, and my bp was 188/112, so i knew at 7:30 i needed those meds. now, I'm regretting it cause its 2am and i have nothing to do.... but lay here and hope sleep comes back soon. the whole right side of my head hurts... starting from my temple, down to my ear, and under my ear like my Eustachian tube, I'm sure I'm getting an ear infection.... its like i cant catch a break. one thing after another. Am i not allowed to ever feel like myself again? i don't understand why all of this is happening to me, and it makes me so pissed off. its like I'm slowly dying and there is nothing i can do to stop it. and it makes me so sad, and angry all the time. i finally found my happy. and now its all being taken away from me because i cant stop my stupid kidney from throwing metanaphrines out into my body 24/7. i just want to feel better.... I'm so frustrated at my own weak body. walking my dog makes me need to take a 20 minute break. I've become a shell that harbors some sick person that i don't know or am very fond of. i don't recognize myself anymore. m whole life has become nothing but doctors appointments and medicine and more doctors appointments and more medicine.... i just want to wake up from this living nightmare and not be scared to drive, and be able to go back to work, and be able to feel like I'm contributing to society instead of draining it. that's not me. I'm a helper. i hate being helpless with my own body.